When life handed me a Canadian Husband, Two Energetic Kids and a Dog with ADHD,
I made myself some Organized Chaos!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Fighting Fairly

Oh how these words I write and then I will need to reread 10000 times!  Fighting fair in a marriage/relationship is hard.  Well, I guess it isn't for everyone but when you are as competitive as my husband and I are fighting fair is TOUGH!  Little digs in an argument to get a notch up on the other person or a word that comes out of your mouth that slams the other person.  Oh how easy it is to do and how we all want to win the fights.  I was told once that if you are fighting with your spouse and someone wins that means you both loose.  You are a team and one person can't win!  I love to remember that and I do but of course like everything else I fall short big time of what I know I should be at!  So I dig into God's word and other studies to see some helpful reminders and lessons I could learn!  Here is what I found out and of course my thoughts.  !  

*Plain text is my thoughts and bold is from a site/reference. 

1. Know your own feelings.  Know if you are angry or sad and learn to deal with those feelings in a mature way.(www.foryourmarriage.com)
This is tough.  Identifying those crazy feelings we have and then learning to deal with them.  

2. Cooling off periods. (www.foryourmarriage.com)
Oh how I need to learn to take this time.  Stepping back from a situation and not just ACTING on it! I am an impulsive person and this trait of mine is not good when it comes to fighting/arguments because of I want to attack the issue and doing it all fired up isn't going to solve anything.  

3. No degrading language.  (www.nathoncobb.com)
We are adults and we need to act like adults.  Throwing in names that put down the one you are suppose to love and cherish is below the belt and not fair EVER!  

4. Don't fight after you have been drinking!(www.foryourmarriage.com)
That is obviously not a good time to hash out some of the issues of life!  

5. Respect crying (www.foryourmarriage.com)
Crying is ok!  This is sometimes hard for men to understand because they tend to not drop a tear fast like us woman do!  But it is an emotion and it is ok when a man or woman drop some tears during an fight.  

6. Keep your fights between your spouse and yourself. (www.foryourmarriage.com)
If you need to talk about it talk to a good councilor!  When you get others involved that are "one sided" it gets messy.  Respect your spouse and keep the fights in the relationship or with someone you both agree to talk to!  

7.  LISTEN (www.strongmarriage.org)
LOL....seems simple but isn't it tough when you think your points are correct and you think the other person is wrong before they even talk!  Zip It and LISTEN!

8. No Blaming (www.nathoncobb.com)
This is easy to do.  I am a good finger pointer.  But this last few years I am trying my hardest to only point at myself.  If I can't lift someone up I shut up!  Oh how I fail at this!  Pointing at someone else is way easier then pointing at myself!  

9.  No Yelling (www.nathoncobb.com)
I like to think in a fight I have to talk louder to get my point across but that isn't true at all.  My husband shuts out anything I have to say when I raise my voice.  This is the same with my kids and anyone else.  This isn't helping me at all getting things resolved.  

10.  This is our rule!  NO TALK ABOUT DIVORCE!  We don't even say the word.  It is the D word and it isn't a good world EVER!  We took a vow and with this bad word off the table it takes away unneeded conflict.  

11.  Define yourself not your spouse. (www.nathoncobb.com)
I have never thought about this.  You are the expert of your world not your spouses!  Just chew on that statement!  

12.  Stay in the present (www.nathoncobb.com)
Bringing up the past always gets me in trouble.  The thing he says "when will you get over that!?"  It is true I can hold on to something so stupid way to long.  Letting go just as God has done for us is what I need to do.  I am so grateful to have a God in my life that forgives me and shows grace.  God wants us to do that to others.  So note to self whatever is in the past is in the past!  Leave it be!  

13.  Face each other. (www.engagedmarriage.com)
Look into your spouses eyes.  

14.  Ignore other distractions. (www.engagedmarriage.com)
Ignore phone, door, computer.  Tell the kids to go to another room!  Make sure it is just you two!  

15.  There is a time limit (www.drphil.com)
We shouldn't be fighting long.  My husband and I are good at that I believe.  We fight and then move on but that doesn't mean we have solved the issue at hand.  So technically we are dragging it on by covering it up temporarily   

16.  Face the fear of confrontation (www.lifetoolsforwoman.com)
I don't have this problem and wish I did sometimes.  But I do have family and friends that I know would rather stew in the issue than to actually face the issue.  

17.  Avoid generalization (www.lifetoolsforwoman.com)
Example:  Using the word ALWAYS.  You always do this!  But really always?  We need to stick with SPECIFIC examples. 

18.  Start a sentence with "I feel" instead of "When you"!  (www.organiclovelife.com)
That is big and this is back to the pointing finger problem.  We can't get far and accomplish anything when we attack the other person.  

19.  Avoid sarcasm (www.organiclovelife.com)
I am not going to say anything about this and just reread it 1000 times.  

20.  Stay (www.organiclovelife.com)
Running away will never help the situation.  This brings more stress to the relationship and big messes to have to clean up.  My husband and I don't ever leave if we are fighting if we can help it.  We always so "What if we get in a car accident and we never resolved our issue and expressed our real love!"  

21.  Take responsibility for your actions.  (www.heartbeatradiousa.com)
Hard isn't it.  Easier when someone else is in the wrong and we can just let them take all the heat.  But that isn't truth and that isn't life.  We need to step up and take responsibility for ourselves.  We can only control our own behaviors.   So step up and take responsibility reactions.  

22.  Breath

23.  Stay Calm

24.  Pray--Having God in the center of your relationship is amazing but not every situation praying with a spouse is easy.  So pray.  Get Him involved at least on your end!  

25.  LOVE--Show love, speak with love and listen with love.  

What are some of your "rules" to fight fairly.