When life handed me a Canadian Husband, Two Energetic Kids and a Dog with ADHD,
I made myself some Organized Chaos!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Fighting Fairly

Oh how these words I write and then I will need to reread 10000 times!  Fighting fair in a marriage/relationship is hard.  Well, I guess it isn't for everyone but when you are as competitive as my husband and I are fighting fair is TOUGH!  Little digs in an argument to get a notch up on the other person or a word that comes out of your mouth that slams the other person.  Oh how easy it is to do and how we all want to win the fights.  I was told once that if you are fighting with your spouse and someone wins that means you both loose.  You are a team and one person can't win!  I love to remember that and I do but of course like everything else I fall short big time of what I know I should be at!  So I dig into God's word and other studies to see some helpful reminders and lessons I could learn!  Here is what I found out and of course my thoughts.  !  

*Plain text is my thoughts and bold is from a site/reference. 

1. Know your own feelings.  Know if you are angry or sad and learn to deal with those feelings in a mature way.(www.foryourmarriage.com)
This is tough.  Identifying those crazy feelings we have and then learning to deal with them.  

2. Cooling off periods. (www.foryourmarriage.com)
Oh how I need to learn to take this time.  Stepping back from a situation and not just ACTING on it! I am an impulsive person and this trait of mine is not good when it comes to fighting/arguments because of I want to attack the issue and doing it all fired up isn't going to solve anything.  

3. No degrading language.  (www.nathoncobb.com)
We are adults and we need to act like adults.  Throwing in names that put down the one you are suppose to love and cherish is below the belt and not fair EVER!  

4. Don't fight after you have been drinking!(www.foryourmarriage.com)
That is obviously not a good time to hash out some of the issues of life!  

5. Respect crying (www.foryourmarriage.com)
Crying is ok!  This is sometimes hard for men to understand because they tend to not drop a tear fast like us woman do!  But it is an emotion and it is ok when a man or woman drop some tears during an fight.  

6. Keep your fights between your spouse and yourself. (www.foryourmarriage.com)
If you need to talk about it talk to a good councilor!  When you get others involved that are "one sided" it gets messy.  Respect your spouse and keep the fights in the relationship or with someone you both agree to talk to!  

7.  LISTEN (www.strongmarriage.org)
LOL....seems simple but isn't it tough when you think your points are correct and you think the other person is wrong before they even talk!  Zip It and LISTEN!

8. No Blaming (www.nathoncobb.com)
This is easy to do.  I am a good finger pointer.  But this last few years I am trying my hardest to only point at myself.  If I can't lift someone up I shut up!  Oh how I fail at this!  Pointing at someone else is way easier then pointing at myself!  

9.  No Yelling (www.nathoncobb.com)
I like to think in a fight I have to talk louder to get my point across but that isn't true at all.  My husband shuts out anything I have to say when I raise my voice.  This is the same with my kids and anyone else.  This isn't helping me at all getting things resolved.  

10.  This is our rule!  NO TALK ABOUT DIVORCE!  We don't even say the word.  It is the D word and it isn't a good world EVER!  We took a vow and with this bad word off the table it takes away unneeded conflict.  

11.  Define yourself not your spouse. (www.nathoncobb.com)
I have never thought about this.  You are the expert of your world not your spouses!  Just chew on that statement!  

12.  Stay in the present (www.nathoncobb.com)
Bringing up the past always gets me in trouble.  The thing he says "when will you get over that!?"  It is true I can hold on to something so stupid way to long.  Letting go just as God has done for us is what I need to do.  I am so grateful to have a God in my life that forgives me and shows grace.  God wants us to do that to others.  So note to self whatever is in the past is in the past!  Leave it be!  

13.  Face each other. (www.engagedmarriage.com)
Look into your spouses eyes.  

14.  Ignore other distractions. (www.engagedmarriage.com)
Ignore phone, door, computer.  Tell the kids to go to another room!  Make sure it is just you two!  

15.  There is a time limit (www.drphil.com)
We shouldn't be fighting long.  My husband and I are good at that I believe.  We fight and then move on but that doesn't mean we have solved the issue at hand.  So technically we are dragging it on by covering it up temporarily   

16.  Face the fear of confrontation (www.lifetoolsforwoman.com)
I don't have this problem and wish I did sometimes.  But I do have family and friends that I know would rather stew in the issue than to actually face the issue.  

17.  Avoid generalization (www.lifetoolsforwoman.com)
Example:  Using the word ALWAYS.  You always do this!  But really always?  We need to stick with SPECIFIC examples. 

18.  Start a sentence with "I feel" instead of "When you"!  (www.organiclovelife.com)
That is big and this is back to the pointing finger problem.  We can't get far and accomplish anything when we attack the other person.  

19.  Avoid sarcasm (www.organiclovelife.com)
I am not going to say anything about this and just reread it 1000 times.  

20.  Stay (www.organiclovelife.com)
Running away will never help the situation.  This brings more stress to the relationship and big messes to have to clean up.  My husband and I don't ever leave if we are fighting if we can help it.  We always so "What if we get in a car accident and we never resolved our issue and expressed our real love!"  

21.  Take responsibility for your actions.  (www.heartbeatradiousa.com)
Hard isn't it.  Easier when someone else is in the wrong and we can just let them take all the heat.  But that isn't truth and that isn't life.  We need to step up and take responsibility for ourselves.  We can only control our own behaviors.   So step up and take responsibility reactions.  

22.  Breath

23.  Stay Calm

24.  Pray--Having God in the center of your relationship is amazing but not every situation praying with a spouse is easy.  So pray.  Get Him involved at least on your end!  

25.  LOVE--Show love, speak with love and listen with love.  

What are some of your "rules" to fight fairly.  

Friday, April 12, 2013

What is a godly Mother look like to you?

What is a godly mother?  What characteristics does a godly mother have? I came up with a rough list of what I think a godly mother possesses.  Then I referenced the bible for most of them. 

Some characteristics of A GODLY MOTHER…

Loves her children
1 Corinthians 13:4-7;

Teaches her child to walk in on God’s path
Proverbs 22:6; II Timothy 3:15; Deuteronomy 6:7

Teachers her children the truth of God’s word
Deuteronomy 11:19; Proverbs 1:8; II Timothy 3:15; Proverbs 22:6; John 14:6; Deuteronomy 6:7

Teaches her child to obey God and all of his commandments
II Timothy 3:15; Proverbs 22:6

Proverbs 31; 2 Corinthians 8:21; Philippians 4:8-9

Blesses her children daily
1 Peter 4:8; Psalm 5:12; Luke 6:38

Encourages her child
 Proverbs 12:18; Proverbs 18:21

Prays for and with her children
1 Samuel 1:9-16; James 1:2-4

Leads by example
1 Timothy 4:12; Titus 2:7

Exodus 2:1-9; Ephesians 6:11

 John 19:25

Keeps her promises
1 Samuel 1:21-28

Praises the Lord
1 Samuel 2:1-2; Psalm 150:1-6; Psalm 100:1-5; Psalm 136:1-26

Provides the needs of her children, not just physical but emotional and spiritual 2 Corinthians 12:14; Psalm 127:3-5

Shows unconditional love
1 Corinthians 13:4-8; Psalm 113:9; Titus 2:4; John 15:13; Galatians 5:22-23

Disciplines them
Proverbs 23:13-14; Proverbs 19:18; Proverbs 29:15; Ephesians 6:4

Involves her children in God’s ministry
Hebrews 10:25

Proverbs 31; Psalm 15:1, 4

2 Corinthians 5:8

Respectful and worthy of respect
Matthew 7:21; Romans 12:10; Philippians 2:3; 1 Peter 2:17

Puts her hope, faith and future in God’s hands
Luke 1:38; 2 Corinthians 12:9

Speaks with love and truth
Proverbs 31:26; Ephesians 4:29; 1 John 4:1; James 1:19; Galatians 5:22-23

Not selfish but sacrificial
Proverbs 31; 1 Kings 3:16-18; Galatians 5:22-23

Will not allow her family step on the path of wickedness

Loves and respects her Husband
Ephesians 5:22-33; Proverbs 31; 1 Corinthians 14:35

Submit to their husbands by being pure and respectful
1 Peter 3:1-2; Titus 2:5; Proverbs 31; Ephesians 5:22-24

Surrounds herself around positive and Godly woman but that doesn’t stop her from reaching out to the lost
Proverbs 17:17

Opens heart and home to others
1 Timothy 5:10

Does not show favoritism
Proverbs 28:21

Knows her children are a gift and treats them as one
Psalm 127:3-5; Deut. 7:14; 33:24; 127:3

Proverbs 11:16; Luke 6:35

Fears the Lord
2 Corinthians 7:1; Luke 1:50; Deuteronomy 5:29; Proverbs 28:14

Shows mercy
James 2:13; Matthew 5:7; Hebrews 4:16

Faces problems head on
1 Samuel 1:1-8; John 16:33; 2 Timothy 3:12

Shows grace
Colossians 4:6; 1 Peter 4:10; Romans 11:6

Self control and modesty
1 Timothy 2:9; Titus 2:5; Proverbs 31; Galatians 5:22-23

Builds her home on wisdom Proverbs 14:1; James 1:5; James 3:17

Speaks wisdom
Proverbs 31:26; 1 Corinthians 2:1-16; James 1:5

Proverbs 31; Galatians 5:22-23

Proverbs 31:15; 2 Timothy 2:1-26; Matthew 28:19; Revelation 1:4

Proverbs 31; Luke 6:35; Luke 12:33; Acts 20:35

1 Thessalonians 2:7; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21

Caring and Compassionate
Proverbs 31:20; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 4:32; Galatians 6:2

What are your thoughts?  What am I missing?  

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Perfect Mommy Friends?

We are on Chapter 6 in our No More Perfect Mom study.  This chapter is called No More Perfect Friends. I tend to be a broken record when it comes to this book but I LOVE IT!! 

I am going to start off by paraphrasing Jill’s Mommy Manners.  They are great!

*When you go to someone’s house and you bring your kiddos make sure you help clean up their toys before they leave.  This is not only a great lesson for your kids in responsibility and respect but it shows your hostess respect too. 

*If you are in a public place or a quiet place and your child starts to fuss or starts being a little louder, take a minute and walk out of the area.  Allow your child to settle down before you go back.  This is just respectful for everyone around you. 

*You baby decides to dirty their diaper while you are visiting someone’s house.  Do not leave the stinky diaper in their trash can.  You can do one of two things that is way more respectful.  1. Carry a plastic bag that you can put it in and then dispose of it later.  2. Ask for the location of the outdoor garbage to dispose of it. 

*After someone has a baby, give her a call when you are at the store and offer to pick up any basic family needs.  Example; milk, eggs, or eggs. 

*Always RSVP promptly to invitations that your children receive.  No matter if it is a Yes or No!

*Offer to pay for gas when sharing a ride to your children’s out of town sporting events.

*Offer to hold a door open for a mom that is going into a store with a stroller. 

*Be the first to wave when you are walking or driving down your street. 

*If your kids and a neighbor’s kid is going to the same even, offer to take them.

*When your child has someone spend the night make sure their shoes, bag and sleeping bag are 
ready and by the door when the parents come and pick them up. 

*When you go over to someone’s house for a lunch play date make sure you offer to bring the 
lunch, snack, drinks or whatever else to make things easier on the hostess. 

*Respect other mom’s way of doing things.  She may not do them the way you do and that is ok.

*Do not interrupt another mom’s story.  Let her talk.  If she needs to vent, let her.  LISTEN! 

*If you have two children that are close to the same age and one child gets an invitation to do something with another child.  Do not assume that the other child can tag along. 

*Remember how you act…little eyes are watching. 

***These were paraphrased by me but I love her rules she presents.  Oh how we forget basics.

I was thinking about all the mommy manners and then I was thinking about how relationships in our lives (mommy relationships) can be so hard. Think about it. We go through our school age years worrying about what other girls think.  Trying to fit in, trying to be one of the girls in a group.  Then we become adult and we still are trying to figure out where we fit in with other woman.  But those years we are only trying to fit in.  Now I have two kids in tow and my mommy ways are being criticized or watched.  So I have 10 times more stress when trying to develop friendships with other moms. 

Being a mom now for almost 11 years I have had my frustrations developing friendships with moms.  I always blamed other mom’s because hey that is the easy thing to do.  Now almost 11 years into this I finally realized what I was doing wrong.  Yes, I was being JUDGMENTAL.  My expectations were too high and my ways I thought should be everyone else’s ways.  The day I decided to just throw out my expectations, throw away my dreams of finding a mom that parents the way I do, open my mind, open my heart, show some grace and just be patient I started to make friends.  When I did this I thought it was going to be easy but I have to constantly remind myself to get rid of the crap in my head or heart.  We are all human and God created each one of us different for a reason.  He has given us free will.  So I may parent or act one way and someone other mommy the complete opposite and that is OK! 

I was then thinking about “mommy” groups that are around us and honestly a lot of them are intimidating.  I think the most intimidating “mommy group” is the PTO.  LOL…yes I am in this “group” and yes I still have moments I feel uncomfortable but PTO allowed me to step out of my comfort zone.  I started going to PTO meetings last year and I was terrified.  When I walked in I compared myself to the other mom’s and really put myself down.  I was doing the “Comparing someone’s outsides to my insides!”   Trust me my insides felt like crap and everyone else was looking pretty good to me.  But I also knew that if I just pushed all of my feelings to the side that this would be a great place to start a new community of mommy friendships in my life.  I was right.  It is my messy feelings or insecurities and my high expectations that put a halt on any and all friendships that could potentially be developed. 

So here is what I want to challenge all you mommies out there. 

*Get rid of your expectations! 

*Understand that you parent your way because you love your family and know what is best for them.  I parent my way because I love my family and know what is best for them.  The lady down the street parents her way because she loves her family and knows what is best for them.

*Do something.  Get out of your comfort zone!  Step out.  In Jill’s words “add more friends to your friend bank!”

* Ask a mom and her kids that you haven’t hung out with before to the park for a “mini” play date. 

*Send a card to a mommy.  An encouraging card! 

*Call a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. 

*Find a new walking buddy!

Put yourself out there.  Make a new friend this week.  Jill says in her book;

“Friendships are an important part in mothering. We desperately need each other.”